Everybody has AIDS

Because it's World AIDS Day. Didn't you know that?

In honor of World AIDS Day, we're offering some health tips on how NOT to get AIDS. We do a lot of public service work here at Six Meat Buffet, and nothing is more important than AIDS, because everybody has AIDS. I know what you're thinking, "Magic Johnson got it and he's fine and dandy." Well, slap that notion right out of your head.

The only surefire way not to catch AIDS these days is to avoid the exchange of bodily fluids and the sharing of smack needles with others.

If you've got to shoot up, go buy you some fresh needles and quit sharing with Tito the junkie down the street.

If you've got to get it on with your boyfriend or girlfriend or bathhouse stranger or gloryhole protrusion, use a condom. Disclaimer: This only reduces your risk, it doesn't mean you're 100% protected.

If you're married and you and your spouse are monogamous, you're not going to get AIDS. It's that simple.

In the year 2004, AIDS is a purely behavior-related disease. Avoid risky behavior and you're good to go. I'm sure I'll get raked over the coals for making such a radical statement, but that's simple medical fact, not value judgment. Hey, I just solved the AIDS crisis and I didn't need billions of dollars!