The John Kerry Comedy Hour featuring John Kerry

For all of Lurch's many inconsistencies and waffling positions, one thing he's been consistent about is his penchant for unintentional comedy.

This was in full force in Lurch's address to the sycophants at Temple University in Philly this morning. Actually, the CNN story doesn't make it clear if they're reporting on a speech to be given at Temple or if they received an advance copy of the speech via their DNC faxline.

The CNN story, in fact, is filled with accidental comedy bits. To wit:

"Our goal is that at the end of that, people will say, 'This guy will seek and defeat the terrorist,'" said spokesman Mike McCurry. (sic)

I don't think the people are ever going to be saying anything remotely resembling that, but good try, McMuffin. Onward with Lurch's keen commentary:

Kerry planned to outline his strategy against terrorism on Friday, a day after telling The Columbus Dispatch that the president's actions in Iraq and elsewhere show Bush masquerading as a mainstream conservative while pursuing extremist policies.

"I don't view these people as conservatives," Kerry said. "I actually view them as extreme, and I think their policies have been extreme, and that extends all the way to Iraq, where this president, in my judgment, diverted the real war on terror -- which was Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda -- and almost obsessively moved to deal with Iraq in a way that weakened our nation, overextended our armed forces, cost us $200 billion and created a breach in our oldest alliances."

Point by point, Lurch & John Boy have already laid out their strategy against terrorism - cut, run, hide and hope we don't get hit. Then, after we suffer another slaughter, they'll really go after those terrorists by begging the U.N. for a strong resolution condemning Al Qaeda.

Lurch does veer into some truth here, though. President Junior's administration has been anything but conservative. He's right about that, but not in the way he implies. Additionally, Lurch rolls out the tired old blather about how Iraq is diverting us from the war on terror - when in reality, the war in Iraq is part of the war on terror. This, of course, is too complicated for most liberals to comprehend. There's more:

To douse the spread of terrorism, Kerry proposes policies aimed at denying individuals and groups the ability to organize and attack.

What he means is that groups like the CIA, FBI and Homeland Security will be denied the opportunity to organize - just as they've been denied that opportunity for years now.

Kerry would build a better military and intelligence apparatus to go after enemies, deny terrorists weapons and financing, move against worldwide terrorist havens and recruitment centers, and promote freedom and democracy in Muslim nations.

Build a better military? Just like he has by voting against every important weapons system and military bill since the 1980s? Promote freedom and democracy in muslim nations? Like President Bush is already doing in Iraq? Hilarious!

Kerry has repeatedly argued that the war in Iraq has distracted attention and resources from the pursuit of terrorists, including Osama bin Laden.

Meanwhile, terrorists from all over the middle east are streaming into Iraq, making themselves available as targets for our military - you'd think this might help us in the war on terror. Not by Lurch's ill-logic.

I know Lurch & John Boy didn't start out intending to be a two-man comedy troupe, but that's certainly what they've become.